“How does the male sperm get into the female body?”

That was my question at the conclusion of my middle school sex-ed seminar. We were taught with overhead projectors (remember those?) and visiting lecturers that babies are the result of sperm from a man penetrating an egg in a woman. Then it was all DNA, genes, cell division, etc., and out pops a baby.

The answer to my basic question, however, was conspicuously absent from the presentation.

So, I thrust my hand into the air. “Yes, Glenn,” came a weary monotone accustomed to my awkward questions. I dutifully asked my question.

The woman teacher blushed. “Um, well, that’s a different subject. Maybe some other time.”

I concluded that the transport of the sperm from a man into a woman was something to be embarrassed about. It was dirty. It was bad. In fact, I was bad to even ask about it. Shame on me for my shameful question.

But as a 13-year-old boy, I truly did not know the answer to my question. After all, if one’s knowledge of adult relationships in those days came from television, one would not even know how the male sperm got from the twin bed where Dick Van Dyke slept and over to the twin bed across the room where Mary Tyler Moore slept.

We’ve come a long way baby, and it’s been a rough ride.

Fast-forward a generation. After a school sex-ed seminar decades ago, my 9-year-old daughter came to her mother and me demanding to know if we practiced “that disgusting 69 thing.”

A few years later, children were being taught to be gay, complete with graphic depictions. There’s nothing particularly wrong with being gay, in my humble and sometimes erroneous opinion, but gayness is not an easy row to hoe in life, if for no other reason than the pool of potential mates is dramatically reduced. In a society that glorifies choice, it’s ironic that we encourage people who will soon be seeking the love of their life to disqualify 97% of their choices in advance.  

For kids struggling with their sexuality – and almost all do at one time or another – pushing them toward gayness because it makes the pusher feel progressive serves the kids poorly.

The pendulum has continued to swing. Now, children are taught to be transsexuals. If being gay means to hoe a tough row, being transsexual means being plowed under in the row.

Surely, there’s an in-between point in this far-swung pendulum where children are simply taught how sperm get transported from men into women. Preferably, that teaching would be by their parents.

The clinical and anatomical aspects of this lesson should be in the context of human relations – as in, “you might not understand it right now, kid, because you’re a kid, but this is an intimate expression of love and affection between your parents which produced the child we love and adore – you.”

If that’s not feasible, I honestly think pool halls and dirty websites might be better than schools for this subject. At least the pool halls and dirty websites don’t exploit the curiosity and confusion of children for political gain.

In case you’re wondering, I did eventually figure out the answer to my question. And yes, I still have a crush on Mary Tyler Moore, rest in peace.