Regular Beatniks know that since last summer I’ve been enrolled in the clinical trials for the Pfizer COVID vaccine. Because it’s a “blinded” study, I never really knew whether I’d received the vaccine or a placebo.
The clinic called me last week to tell me that Pfizer was unblinding the study for people in my demographic (translation: old farts) if we wished. Moreover, Pfizer was offering to administer the vaccine to those whom the unblinding revealed had received the placebo.
I accepted Pfizer’s offer. They then told me I’d received the placebo. I suspected as much based on the complete absence of any side effects, as well as the antibody test that I took a week after getting the injection which told me I had no COVID antibodies. (Getting the antibody test was not prohibited by the paperwork I signed.)
Pfizer then offered me the vaccine. I accepted their offer, and received the vaccine this morning.
I’m not dead, and there’s no evidence that I’ve even stopped being a regular Normie. In fact, I’m not feeling a thing other than RAGING INTERMINABLE PRIAPISM.
But. But, but, but. But. Let’s connect some dots:
First dot: While under the care of the placebo, I didn’t catch COVID.
Second dot: While under the care of the placebo, I didn’t have any side effects.
Third dot: Some of the vaccine takers did have some side effects.
Connecting these dots tells me and anyone else who has no need for multiple data points (Facebookers, I’m talkin’ about you) that the placebo is as effective as the vaccine in preventing COVID. Moreover, it prevents COVID without the side effects sometimes produced by the vaccine.
Ergo, we should stop distributing the vaccine, and should instead just inject everyone with the placebo.
I recognize that this is not as easy as it sounds. Because it requires clinical testing of the placebo in a blinded study against, um, a placebo. That’ll take years. Or perhaps decades under a Biden administration. Can you say “Operation Slow-Mo-Joe”?
And it requires a distribution plan concocted and implemented by the government. That’ll take more years.
There will of course be heated debate when the wokesters contend that racial minorities should get the placebo first. Because social justice. But that’ll be stymied by racial minorities themselves who won’t want the placebo. Because Tuskegee.
Here’s the biggest problem. The anti-vaxxers are certain to become anti-placebo-ers. I can see the theory. The saline solution contains microchips that Bill Gates will use to monitor our brain waves and, when it’s convenient for him and not-at-all convenient for the rest of us, he will dial the microchips up to lethal voltage.
Which will lethal-ize us. All for the purpose of reducing world population to exactly one.
Ah, heck, I’m just joking. But here’s something serious. Recent studies have shown that the anti-vaxxers’ worry about vaccines causing autism is totally legit.
In those studies, vaccines were administered to the children of antivaxxers. Chickenpox vaccine, mumps vaccine, measles vaccine, you name it. The children did not develop chickenpox, mumps, measles or you name it. Nor did they develop autism.
But in later cognitive tests of the children’s parents, the parents scored very poorly. That’s right, there’s a strong correlation between vaccinations of the children of antivaxxers and cognitive dysfunction in their parents.
There’s just so much we don’t know when we’re messin’ with gene stuff. And we won’t know it for a long time. Really, do you want to put your parents at risk of cognitive dysfunction by being one of the first vaccinations in the second group of 30 million?
It gets worse. Autism in the parents of anti-vaxxers’ children might be the least of the vaccination side effects.
You see, in my own case, both my own parents have been deceased for years. Soooooo …. in my case there’s a direct correlation between being injected with the vaccine and having dead parents.
Take heed. If you get the vaccine today, it could give your parents autism tomorrow or even kill them years ago. The only prudent thing is to refuse the vaccine, and let them administer it instead to some foolish guinea pigs. Like my friends and family.