The kinky movie “50 Shades of Grey” came out this Valentine’s Day weekend (St. Valentine must be turning in his Catholic grave), so naturally, a movie review is necessary.

Others at the newspaper are assigned to report on skiing conditions here in Aspen or they get to review “American Sniper.” Me? I have to review a kinky movie. I admire the way the bosses identify and utilize each person’s unique talents to the fullest, but, um, how did they know?

Anyway, the movie is about a woman named Anastasia (exotic, huh?) and a man named Christian (ah, there’s the connection to St. Valentine) who engage in the sort of vile, grotesque and evil eroticism that others have the prudence only to hope for, fantasize about and dream of.

In some scenes, one of them plays at dominating the other in an erotic sort of way. Several ways actually. Decorum precludes elucidation.

Like other contact sports, domination requires at least two players. The one who does the dominating is called “dominant” (or in some versions, “dominatrix”). The one who gets dominated is called “submissive.” There’s lots of scoring. But it’s a win-win in the end because it’s all tied up.

Let me know if I’m going too fast for you.

Enter the feminists — not into the movie, but into my column. (Help!) They object to the scenes where Christian pretends to be dominant and Anastasia pretends to be submissive.

Leave it to the feminists to find nothing erotic in eroticism, to miss the humor in humorous and to iron all the kinks out of kinky.

They would say naked little Cupid with his arrow is guilty of sexual assault, and don’t even get them started on his predatory exhibitionism.

Unlike Christian in the movie, the feminists don’t want their domination over the opposite sex to be pretended; they want the real thing.

This movie is in full Technicolor on the big screen, but the foreplay to it was a little self-published book in shades of grey pixels on a white Kindle screen. The feminists liked the book as much as they liked the movie: not at all.

Conscious of the feminist objections, compliant critics striving for political correctness called the book “devoid of talent” and “exceedingly awful.”

One complained that it is “puny of plot,” as if kinky books are supposed to be giant of plot.

I think these literary critics are puny of writing skill. Books don’t have talent; writers do. And what does “exceedingly awful” exceed?

Maybe a more grandiloquent title would have impressed the critics. Something Dostoyevsky-ish such as “Slime and Punishment.” Or something Lincoln-esque like, “Two Score and 10 Shades of Grey.”

One thing the critics did not call the book was “unpopular.” To the feminist’s chagrin, it sold 100 million copies. And to their outrage, most were bought by women.

I suspect that these traitors in the feminists’ war on men were middle-aged women who read it in the bathroom while waiting for their husbands to fall asleep so they can sneak into bed unmolested or something.

After this racehorse stud of a book was out of the barn, across the lawn, into the house, down the hall and whinnying in the bathroom, the feminist scolds went to work closing the barn door. They succeeded in getting the book banned at several public libraries.

The ban was due to those “poor reviews,” the librarians tsk-tsked.

If you are nonetheless able to lay your hands on this contraband, beware that there will be consequences for reading it. A study showed that women who read the book are more likely to engage in binge drinking, tend to have more sex partners and sometimes go blind.

Well, two out of three ain’t bad. Yes indeed, the book gets two thumbs up.

Oh, the movie? It’s terrible. You should instead write, direct, act and produce your own (but don’t distribute it).

The hubby is asleep now. Start by waking him up.

Upbeats. Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner lost his Wheaties box and that’s not all. Now he’s a she. Good for her.

Downbeats. Bad for the other women javelin throwers at the next Olympics.

Published Feb. 15, 2015 in The Aspen Times at http://www.aspentimes.com/opinion/15061028-113/two-score-and-10-shades-of-grey