“Yes, it’s true. This man has no d–k.” — Bill Murray in “Ghostbusters.
A certain candidate for president, who was not successful in the past but shares a name with a candidate who was, has declared in the form of a campaign bumper sticker that we should be “Ready for Hillary.”
Hmm. Her pitch for the presidency is that we should be “ready” for her. OK, but “ready” in what sense?”
Well, you see, she has an angle. See if you can figure it out from these hints she’s dropped:
• It’s time for women “to crack every glass ceiling,” she proclaimed in a speech, for which she was paid her standard fee of $250,000.
• In another speech (she gives a lot of them — who wouldn’t at a quarter million a pop?) — she declared, “There cannot be a true democracy unless women are given the opportunity to take responsibility for their own lives.”
• Apparently feeling a bit subjugated before collecting another quarter mill for yet another speech, this woman intoned, “The subjugation of women is a threat to the common security of our world.”
You guessed the angle, didn’t you? “Ready for Hillary” is to remind us that after electing the “First Black President” we should be “ready” to elect the “First President Without a Penis.”
People doubt whether she’s qualified for the job of president, but no one doubts that she is without a penis.
So is my toaster oven. But my toaster oven isn’t qualified to be “First President Without a Penis” because my toaster oven lacks other qualifications. For example, my toaster oven has no “charitable” foundation to rake in millions. And my toaster oven doesn’t share a name with that aforementioned candidate who was successful in the past.
Her plan is brilliant. She’ll just put her name alongside the next group identity box for which Americans should be “ready” (i.e., obligated by liberal guilt) to check. Any voter who doesn’t check the box gets labeled “sexist” by those who do.
But there’s a problem. Hillary’s particular gender card comes with some baggage:
• That speech decrying the subjugation of women makes a strange bedfellow with the millions that her foundation has taken from foreign governments that specialize in exactly that — governments such as Saudi Arabia and Kuwait.
By the way, is it possible that these governments expect something in return for the millions they’ve given her? Notably, she has deleted 31,000 emails that might have told us and refuses to turn over the server from which they might still be recovered.
• In initially denying and then later defending her husband’s depredations on women, she name-called Monica Lewinsky, the 22-year-old intern who was his most famous victim, “A narcissistic loony tune.”
Nice. She and her henchmen name-called other women that Bill preyed upon “trailer trash,” “bimbos,” “sluts” and “whores.” She has as many names for women as he has assaults on them. And that’s a lot.
• At one of her $4,166-per-minute speeches, she sermonized, “We should remember that just as a positive outlook on life can promote good health, so can everyday acts of kindness.”
I wonder how the women who were twice victimized by the Clintons — first by his sexual assaults and second by her name-calling character assassinations — feel about the Clintons’ “everyday acts of kindness.”
As a lawyer, she once got a rapist off on a technicality after implying that his victim — a 12-year-old girl — was emotionally unstable and not credible. In an interview later, she admitted he was guilty, boasted that she’d gotten him off and laughed about it all.
• She paid nearly a million dollars (her compensation for four entire speeches!) to Paula Jones to prevent the facts from coming out at a trial on her sexual-assault claim against Bill. Yet she later told us with a straight face that, “Probably my worst quality is that I get very passionate about what I think is right.”
Uh-huh. What’s apparently “right” for her is to pay the money and bury the truth.
• She once boasted, “I’m not some Tammy Wynette standing by my man.”
She took $416 from someone for the 6 seconds to say that.
But on this one, I agree. She doesn’t stand by her man so much as stand by her greed and ambition.
Here’s the million-dollar question: Will Americans be willing and “ready” to vote for this moneyed, manipulative mercantilist just because she has no penis?
And will they do so even though she enables and defends predations on individual women while simultaneously selling slogans about women’s group rights?
I won’t. I’m not buying Hillary’s expensive but empty words. I don’t care one way or the other that she has no penis. But I do care that she has no heart.
Published in The Aspen Times on Mar. 29 at http://www.aspentimes.com/opinion/15663954-113/beaton-hillarys-missing-organ