Jeffrey Toobin is the face of modern journalism

There once was a man named Toobin,

Whose fondest delight was in Zoomin’,

As he wiped off his screen,

After makin’ a scene,

He asked, “How did you like my oozin’?”

The New Yorker has or had a “legal analyst” named Jeffrey Toobin. He was a participant in a recent Zoom videocall with several other people. The conversation evidently didn’t interest him. He pulled his pants down and found something that did. A lot.

Can you imagine if this talking head had been on-the-air and live via Zoom, as often happens these COVID days? And imagine if he were doing his thing as one of the presidential debate “moderators.” On the other hand, that wouldn’t be much more immoderate than the other moderators.

In any event, the object of Toobin’s hands-on interest proved less interesting to the other participants on the videocall. The New Yorker has suspended him. Which surely is a violation of some sort of special protection to which he’s entitled.

Maybe he can share a cell with Hunter Biden.

Toobin practiced law for a little while way back when. But after a few years, he quit the profession and became what he is now or was until a few days ago: A pervert journalist.  

As someone who spent a career in law at very high levels, I was often bemused by Toobin. He was of course hard left and conspicuously biased — and I do mean hard and conspicuous — but that’s to be expected for someone with The New Yorker. The source of my bemusement was his bad lawyering.

He seemed to get everything wrong. But he did so with such cocksureness that the viewer had to wonder if just maybe he was right this time.

Alas, he seldom was. But journalists are never penilized for being wrong. Or for being biased, incompetent, rude or stupid.

Toobin’s little episode does illustrate, however, where his “profession” draws the line. They may be without morals, but they’re not without standards.

Wrongness, bias, incompetence, rudeness and stupidity are OK, but on-screen masturbation in company videoconferences is strictly prohibited. At least for now.

Edward R. Murrow must be so proud.

15 thoughts on “Jeffrey Toobin is the face of modern journalism

  1. There once was a nitwit called Toobin.
    CNN used him to spout left legal spin.
    But while on a Zoom call
    He had the great gaul,
    To fondle his tiny tubin’ !!!

    • The “great gaul”? Yes, Toobin does sound like a French name, or Irish — Gallic, in any case. So does this mean he was playing with his BIG Little Frenchman? Love it!

  2. Surely, Glenn, you don’t mean that Toobin is the **face** of modern journalism!

    I think you should re-work the title. Yes, I believe that just changing one word would do it …

    Or maybe changing to “Toobin’s” and adding a word.

  3. Glenn, this subject, that of Toobin’s stupidity in attempting to lie to intelligent people about his perversion, was just too easy to laugh about. He might be one of the more trafficked pigs in modern journalism, but there are so many pigs in modern journalism, each with his unique perversions, some more openly visible than others, but he remains no more than a fool, a jackass, someone who deserves nothing more that what you gave him, few lines of derision. Thank you, Glenn, and keep up your great work.
    And Aspen Times, you can go to hell.

  4. What a jerk (pun intended) and stupid as well. Legal expert? He should know that there’s a time and a place for things like that and that was neither. If he ever gets back on the air, all any viewer will think of is that fool pounding his winkie while people watched.

  5. There once was a leftist legal jock,
    Caught on Zoom stroking his cock.
    He cried “My laptop was hacked,”
    But even by CNN he was sacked.
    Best be interviewed in pant & sock!


    1. GLOBAL WARMING, even though he was overheard moaning, “It’s not the heat, it’s the tumidity!”

    2. THE COVID LOCKDOWN. This was his chance to have sex without having to wear a mask or put on a glove.

    3. THE ENABLING POWER OF TECHNOLOGY. As Bill Clinton famously put it, “I did it because I could.” But Toobin couldn’t quite, could he?

    4. DONNA SHALALA, who as HHS Secretary proclaimed that children should be encouraged to masturbate. So what’s the big deal? Like post-Lewinsky Clinton, Toobin will soon be back, more highly regarded than ever.

    5. ROLE PLAYING. it was reported that the conference call participants were theorizing about different election scenarios, with Toobin representing the courts, as in “All rise. Here comes the judge,” with an emission as turbid as his prose and legal analyses.

    6. THE FRAGILITY OF TOOBIN’S WHITENESS. I don’t know what this means, but it must have something to do with it.

    As for the REAL REASONS, ask a Catholic priest. They’ve heard it all. (Alas, in too many cases, they’ve done it all.) And they have the authority to grant the only kind of absolution that matters. So get thee to a confessional, Jeffrey.

  7. There was an old liberal named Toobin,
    Who finally did some straight shootin’;
    When discussing the election
    He got an erection,
    And soon his own horn he was tootin’!

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