Are Neanderthals us?

A guy named Joachim Neander lived in a German valley about 400 years ago. He was a bigwig in the valley, and it came to be called “Neander’s Valley” or, in German, “Neanderhohle.” The name evolved with the language, and it morphed into “Neandertal” or “Neanderthal.” (Pseudo-linguists still debate which is right.)

In a weird coincidence, the Neanderthal Valley is where they first discovered fossilized remains of an ancient human called “Neanderthal.” (What are the odds of that?)

The fossils suggested that this particular Neanderthal was no ordinary human. He/she/they/it was very sturdy. The people who found him decided he was brute, in a bad way. He became the prototypical caveman.

Never mind that caves were the best homes available at the time this Neanderthal lived – certainly better than a sidewalk tent.

Arrogant “experts” decided that Neanderthals were stupid, ape-like creatures that could not speak, could not use fire, could not cook, could not do much of anything. They had no interaction with so-called “modern” humans other than to be killed by them.

“Modern” humans, said the experts, killed Neanderthals to death. They exterminated them. Because Neanderthals were so stupid, that wasn’t difficult.

I always thought Neanderthals got a bad rap. After all, to make those caves their homes, they probably had to drive out the existing residents such as cave bears and lions. And stupid creatures couldn’t possibly bring down a six-ton wooly mammoth in the middle of an ice age.

The experts have gradually changed their views on Neanderthals. They now know that Neanderthals used fire, cooked, ceremonially buried their dead (which implies a certain spirituality), could probably speak as well as most of us, made and used tools such as spears, fished with nets, and created jewelry and art works. They migrated across Europe and Asia. They built boats with which they discovered and colonized the Mediterranean islands. 

They weren’t exterminated by “modern” humans. It’s certainly true that large migrations of “modern” humans came into Europe from North Africa and the Middle East some 80,000 to 40,000 years ago in numbers that probably dwarfed the existing population of Neanderthals in Europe. Experts still belittling the achievements of Neanderthals concluded that the smart newcomers simply killed all the native Neanderthals. Certainly, they didn’t make love to them.

But now we know they did. About 2% of the DNA of most “modern” humans is from Neanderthals. “Modern” humans didn’t exterminate Neanderthals; they merged with them, so to speak.

This discovery has coincided with a revision in the definition of “species.” The definition used to be a simple one. Two animal groups were the same species if they could produce offspring together and the offspring were fertile. So, donkeys and horses are different species because, while they can breed to produce a mule, the mule is infertile.

But now, animal groups are considered different species if they are . . .  well . . .  different in the eye of whoever is making the judgment. It seems this subjective definitional change is simply to preserve a long-standing provincial bias that Neanderthals and “modern” humans are different species.

I knew all along that Neanderthals and “modern” humans were doing the hokey pokey. Humans, especially the males of the species, will hokey pokey anybody and anything that can’t outrun them.

So just how attractive were these Neanderthals as mates? What did they look like?

They were not the stereotypical cavemen of cartoons. Forensic anthropologists have constructed models of them based on their bones. These models look much like “modern” humans. Interestingly, however, unlike the majority of “modern” humans, they had fair skin and perhaps reddish hair.

To my eye, the Neanderthal models fit well within the wide range of visual appearances in “modern” humans. It’s not an exaggeration to say that a typical northern European looks more like a Neanderthal than like a sub-Saharan African.

For the record, the four people on the left are “modern” humans, and the four on the right are forensic models of Neanderthals (the hottie that looks like a Kardashian is festooned with a contemporary hairdo and makeup).

The diagrams of human evolution are confounding because different groups of humans – different races? – co-existed and interbred when opportunities arose in the past. They still do, and that’s probably a good thing for the species.

Contrary to the theories of evolution, some things – such as human nature – never change.