A municipality in California (of course) recently ticketed some parents for collecting the needles left in the gutter by addicts. The parents thought that needles containing heroin residue and whatnot were dangerous to their children.

The municipality didn’t disagree, but stated that the parents’ collection and disposal methods might not be in accordance with regulations. Apparently, it was better to leave the needles in the gutter for collection and disposal by the children.

So here we are in the year of our Lord 2026. Gutters are for needles.

This episode suggests that some many of our rules are outdated – like collecting heroin needles from the gutter so that children don’t. We need a revised rulebook to live by.

Here goes.

*Sidewalks are for pooping and tenting.  While we’re on the subject of gutters that are used for the disposal of needles, note this tragedy. The persons disposing of the needles in the gutter tend not to have bathroom facilities. Sure, they could go to the local homeless shelter, but they don’t allow needles there, and that’s unfair, uncivilized and unconstitutional. So where are vagrants supposed to poop?

On the sidewalk, that’s where. Sidewalks are for pooping.

Still on the subject . . .  where are they supposed to sleep?

In their tent, that’s where. Where’s the tent supposed to be? On the sidewalk near their bathroom, of course.

*Clinics are for masturbation. Our blue “cities” are setting up sexual relief clinics where vagrants can go to “hygienically and privately” masturbate. Pooping in public in the bathroom/gutter is one thing, but you don’t expect them to do private things in the public bathroom/gutter, do you? Eww.

*No hiking on the hiking trails. I recently went for a little hike on a trail near my house in the Colorado Rockies. I accessed it indirectly from the campus of one of the branches of Colorado Mountain College, that college-y thing in Colorado that teaches kids how to be, I dunno, a road construction flagman, in exchange for about $100,000 in student loans that the kid will surely pay back once he “graduates” and gets that coveted flagman job.

The trail was a bit odd with banked curves and lots of bicycle tire tracks. It was often braided as if a bicycle had veered off and then back onto the trail. Litter was strewn about.  

Finally, I was at the trailhead, which I had dodged at the outset of my hike by accessing the trail in that odd way through the “college” campus. The trailhead sign informed me that hikers were prohibited on the hiking trail. It was for bicycles only, including e-bikes.

I spent the rest of the day imaging John Denver humming Rocky Mountain High as he kicked up dust atop an e-bike and cursed at me for hiking.

*Semi-trailers are for illegals. In California (again?) they give commercial drivers’ licenses – truck drivers’ licenses – to illegals whose driving skills are commensurate with their English skills. We don’t verify that they can tell a STOP sign from a YIELD sign because it would be racist to ask them.

*Assassination is for cheering. Assassination is cheered by an entire demographic that is subset of an entire political party. The victim can be a health care executive, a political figure or even three young children. The point is that the victim was misbehaving and so they deserved assassination.  (How many times did I tell you not to play with your food? BANG!)

But the death penalty for murderers is still verboten. Murderers – that word is so pejorative! – instead get celebrated.

*Terrorism is to be celebrated. This is really an extension of the prior rule. If murderers get celebrated, then mass murderers get mass celebrated.

And so, the barbarians who invaded Israel to butcher, rape, murder, burn, and hostage-take the men, women, boys, girls, wives, mothers, husbands, fathers and sons of Israel . . . well, they’re freedom-fighters. They’re heroes. They’re today’s climate activists, today’s trans advocates, today’s DEI enforcers.

Dare I say it? They’re today’s Woke, Version 2.

Wealthy people are for taxing and hating. Under the old rules, we admired people who earned a lot of money for their cleverness and hard work, not to mention their job-creation and philanthropy.

That’s passé now. Today, we know they’re greedy. To treat their greed affliction, we generously offer to relieve them of some of their money. Taking their money entails a significant risk that we ourselves will contract their greed affliction, but we do it anyway because that’s the kind of person we are.

And then we hate them. Because that, too, is the kind of person we are.

Merit is not for measuring. In the old unenlightened days, we made a fetish of merit. Better people produced better results, we thought. And so, we measured which people were better.

Now we know better. Er, differently. We know that we’re all better. Except people with dark skin who are more better. Er, betterer.

There you have it. These are today’s rules to live by. Feel free to add others.