The fat slobs at NPR and the fat slobs at The Guardian and the fat slobs at GQ and the fat slobs at MSNOW have a bit of news for you.

Before I get to that news, let me say that I use the term “fat slob” in a complimentary way. I’m not trying to insult the fat slobs at NPR or the fat slobs at The Guardian or the fat slobs at GQ or the fat slobs at MSNOW.

Let me explain.

The “news” according to these storied and subsidized media outfits run by fat slobs is that physical fitness = fascism. (For those of us who went to public school, I’ll explain that the “=” symbol means “equals.” No, not “equity.” That’s different.)

You see, if you’re physically fit, then you’re conforming to someone else’s ideals. Such as scientists who say that physical fitness is correlated with heart health, brain health, muscle health, and overall health, not to mention success in cruisin’ chicks who are coerced by society to find physical fitness to be physically attractive (and fiscal fitness, too, but that’s a different column).

The fat slobs tell us that what those scientists say is fascist. Don’t follow the fascist science promoted by those fascist scientists with their fascist facts. In this case, anyway, science = bad.

Instead, follow your gut instincts. Literally. Make yourself into your own personal physical ideal. If that means you’re 5-10 pounds overweight, or 60-80, that’s great! You’re showing your nonconformity. Non-conformity for the sake of non-conformity is an anti-fascist virtue.

Besides, think of all the money being made by Big Pharma with their anti-fat pills. If Big Pharma makes money by making you anti-fat, then it must be good to be anti-anti-fat. (For those of you who went to public school, two negatives make a positive. So, “anti-anti-fat” = “fat.” But, weirdly, while two negatives make a positive, two positives don’t make a negative. That doesn’t seem equitable. How do the scientists explain that?)

Now, correlation does not = causation, but it’s worth noting that famous so-called fascists in history have been relatively un-fat. There’s Hitler. There’s Mussolini. There’s Stalin, from the Communism branch of fascism.

True, the current President is called a fascist by some (not me!) even though he’s not un-fat. In fact, he’s distinctly un-skinny. To get un-fat, he’d have to get out of the golf cart, turn off the engine, and tie into the cart with a rope harness to drag it around 18 holes every day.

But maybe he’s the exception that proves the rule. The rule is, fascists are fit. Fascist almost rhymes with fitness, so that proves it.

BTW, you should also consider an additional way for displaying your anti-fascist, anti-fitness non-conformity virtue: by transitioning. Or maybe these days it’s by de-transitioning. (Consult the above-named “news” sources to determine which it is on any given day, but ignore the “scientists.”)

Think how cool it will be as a fat person who says he’s a man for the second time around, albeit – or especially! – if you have an ever-ready plastic penis this time. Talk about the second coming! And the third!

(Darn that unreliable old flesh one anyway. It’s about as active now that it’s pickled in that jar on the mantle as it was when I was wearing it. Call it my fickle pickle. That never gets tickled.)

Anyway, I digress. The point is, if fitness is fascist, then the rules of mathematics, the rules of semantics, the rules of the media “news” rooms, and the rules of the game tell me that it’s anti-fascist to be anti-fitness.

Yep, it’s anti-fascist – it’s socialist – to be slovenly. Indeed, there does seem to be a distinct correlation.

So, the socialists get all the food and most of the Medicare benefits. But we still get all the chicks. The future, and the joy, belong to the propagators.