A recent Instagram chat (pretty hip!) between Joe Biden and his President-in-Waiting, Kamala Harris, was filmed by the networks at Democratic Campaign Headquarters, otherwise known as Joe’s basement.
Alert viewers of the footage (which of course does not include any modern journalists) noticed two things. One, Joe was holding his iPhone upside down. Two, Joe had a set of talking points in front of him in about 40-point font.
I have now examined the footage carefully and found between the lines of the talking points the entire Democratic Platform. In an exclusive from the Aspen Beat, here it is.
Religion: It’s not who we are. But we’ll just boo God, not ban him, except from our platform where we’ll ban him. Unless it’s Allah, in which case we’ll literally worship him, figuratively speaking of course.
Religion is bad. Unless it’s black gospel, in which case it’s very cute.
People shouldn’t do the religion thing in public. They can do it in their bathrooms behind locked doors where they do other embarrassing private things like masturbation.
But we’ll make a public exception for that sacred overlap between religion and masturbation. People can publicly masturbate with religious symbols because that’s so cool.
Race: Black. Lives. Matter. Anyone other than their founders who says that the members are “trained Marxists” is racist.
White, yellow, brown and red lives don’t matter. Anyone who says they do, is a racist.
All black ones do, except the 94% of black men who are killed by other black men and except the 77% of black babies born to unwed mothers and the 30% of black babies who are aborted. (Subtract out the illegitimate black babies and the aborted ones that apparently don’t matter, and the slogan could be “14% of Black Lives Matter.”TM)
Violence: Whoa, there. Mostly peaceful protests are not violence. If your eyes see violence in these mostly peaceful protests, then your eyes are racist.
Collecting reparations from retail stores is not “looting.” Arsony is not burning. Throwing bombs is not attempted murder. Punching and shooting people is not assault.
As for attacking and permanently blinding police officers with lasers, such so-called attacks didn’t happen and would not have been necessary if the pigs wouldn’t get in the way of the reparation’s collections. Speaking of which . . .
Police: The pigs get roasted. We’ll defund them, dox them and their families, poison them and put boogers in their coffee. HAHAHAHAHA.
Science: We’re the party of science. And we’re a big-tent party of science, in that we welcome scientists who believe in astrology and fortune telling.
We admit all 64 sexes (er, genders, whatever) into our tent and permit each to use whichever of the 64 bathrooms feels right to them that day. Including the ones for children.
Nuclear power is dangerous to our political ally, global warming. And 2 + 2 = 5. Don’t let dead white patriarchs tell you otherwise.
Abortion: Abortion should be safe, legal and common right up to the moment of birth, at least.
A fetus is just a blob of cells – don’t let your lying eyes viewing an ultrasound tell you different – that can be sliced, diced and suctioned from the womb at any time. If the blob survives this medical procedure, then it can be sliced, diced and suctioned from the operating table.
Any restriction imposed by misogynistic Republicans on this medical procedure – such as a requirement that it be performed by licensed physicians with privileges at a nearby hospital – violates a woman’s right to choose.
Love and compassion. That’s who we are. Woe to anyone who stands in the way of our love and compassion. For example, with regard to the death of Trump’s brother, who is literally Hitler’s brother, we extend our heartfelt message, “WRONG TRUMP”! HAHAHAHAHA
COVID. Speaking of Hitler a/k/a Trump, he goofed up COVID. First, he blamed it on the Chinese, which is racist (but don’t start thinking we should stop discriminating against Asians in college admissions). Then he imposed bans on travel with countries where it was raging, which is xenophobic, when he should have been encouraging mass parties.
Then he didn’t take the problem seriously. He should have put infected patients into the nation’s nursing homes, as we did in New York, for a little Darwinism. Because science.
Now, he wants to reopen the country – before the election! – in an obvious political move pandering to his base of American workers and legal citizens, a/k/a the Deplorables.
Me Too. We believe the woman. Except when the man is a former Democrat president or a potential future Democrat one. Even then, we believe the woman until the man chooses us to be his running mate. Regardless of who we believe, we vote for the Democrat because rape is not as bad as Republicans.
Uh oh. I think Obama’s FBI is at my door and they want the purloined platform back. Gotta go.