Pfizer has sold $25 billion worth of Viagra and now they’ve raised the bar even higher. To keep their Viagra customers happy, healthy and horny, they invented a vaccine against COVID.
The FDA approved the vaccine for emergency use this month, years after approving Viagra for “emergency” use (isn’t all use of Viagra an emergency?). Viagra will of course retain its preeminence in the company, and so the vaccine will likely become known as “Pfizer’s Other Drug.”
Some say this medicine comes too soon, that it needs more testing, more time to get acquainted, more foreplay, more cuddling. I say baloney. Viagra comes not a moment too soon. Same with Pfizer’s Other Drug. If only they had come at the same time.
It was indeed a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am kind of year. It’s with proper social distancing, mind you, which can cramp one’s style among other things and attenuate both the whams and the bams. But in sex, Americans and all other people are resourceful.
Sadly, however, there appears not to be the pregnancy surge we often see after a city blackout. Although sperm are ingenious in navigating their way through the kind of person who identifies as a woman because she is one, they cannot navigate across a room or through a Zoom teleconference lens.
The Zoom lens can transmit video, however, as one former news reporter (at this point in media incompetence and bias, aren’t they all former ones?) learned to his dismay and the dismay of his, um, viewing audience.
The year started off innocently enough. The stock market was good, which diminished the need for Viagra, but then it all went to hell. Either Chinese peasants ate virus-infected bat soup (why?) that made them all batshit viral, or inscrutable Chinese spies created a viral monster that they accidentally or deliberately let loose on the world (why?).
I say it was the bats, just because the Chinese couldn’t have created the virus themselves without one to copy.
But COVID is now so April. Apart from the fact that daily deaths are at an all-time high, the whole thing is practically behind us. Even the stock market rebounded and then re-boomed once they culled out the clever market timers who bought in January and sold in March. The market will continue to boom right up until the moment the money printing presses wear out, at which time the clever market timers will get back in.
There was an election. Every two years Republicans go to the polls to vote, and every four years the Democrats go to the polls to steal. This was a four-year one. President Trump said his usual stupid things but lost anyway according to voting machines from Venezuela operated by Democrats from Venezuela who openly espouse voting fraud to turn us into Venezuela. Because social justice.
The good news is that now all the news will be good, even if events are not. OrangeManBad is going away, so the media will announce that the virus and everything else bad went away with him. As for the media’s reaction to the very big and bad bear that will stalk, attack, kill, eat, burp, regurgitate and defecate the stock market once the printing presses wear out – Look! A squirrel!
OrangeManBad’s replacement, the guy known as the bad half of “Dr” and Mr. Jill Biden, will without his knowledge be relocated to a basement in Brookdale where he’ll spend his remaining days continuing to make nonsensical noises. The other bad half will refuse to be his caretaker because her typo-laden “doctorate” thesis, “Student Retention at the Community College: Meeting Students’ Needs” is a bedpan, not a guide in how to change one.
OrangeManBad’s replacement’s replacement, a clever and gymnastic woman known for climbing the political ladder on her knees, will not appoint “Dr” Jill to be Surgeon General despite Whoopie Goldberg’s enthusiasm for “Dr” Jill’s medical skills.
Just to taunt us, the year 2020 was a leap year. As if 365 days of it were not enough.
Wokesters got extra-woke this year when a fentanyl-high “gentle giant” who happened to be a five-time convicted felon who served time for armed robbery, trespassing, cocaine theft and pointing a gun at a pregnant woman’s belly while robbing her house, died in police custody.
A video seemed to show that the police killed him by strangling him on the pavement under a cop’s knee. But the autopsy discovered that he had COVID. The COVID death-counting rules say he therefore died of COVID.
Unconvinced, mostly peaceful protesters looted, burned, assaulted and killed. Some of these Democrats took over parts of Portland and Seattle and purported to secede from the union, just as they did in 1860.
Because they were on the right side of the arc of history – they were Democrats, after all – they got a free pass. Even their failure to wear masks in the course of their looting, burning, assaulting and killing was excused, because they weren’t doing anything morally wrong like attending church to pray to something other than Big Government.
Yes, we survived — with the swagger and stagger of a punch-drunk, fentanyl-high, basement-dwelling, Viagra-ingesting, COVID-dodging, pants-down, Zoom-using old “doctor.”
So my question to the year 2020 is this: Is that all ya’ got?
That read so flipping well! Way to go, and keep it up! Happy?New Year…
Chesterton at his best would write like this. Laughter undoes the Devil.
Not sure about your last sentence. Are there greater jokesters than Goethe’s Mephistopheles and Nolan’s The Joker in “The Dark Knight”? And was not laughter the weapon with which Voltaire hollowed out our confidence in our institutions?
I live on the Caribbean in Mexico and, although Americans think Mexico is a joke, what they don’t know is that Mexico and most of the rest of the world, think America, and Americans, are a joke. Your politics, your life priorities, your values and your assumption that being an American makes you THE BEST is hilarious. The fact that the people would tolerate 13% of the population to dominate the decision making process that has a dramatic effect on the other 87% is absolutely not believable. And, this 13% is the bottom of civilized society. Shame on you people for letting the worst of your society make such decisions and make such an impact. They should be thrilled to just be equal and you’ve allowed them to believe they are better than you….Shame on all you people…..I am so glad I left.
I’m not sure I understand your point. Are you saying that some unspecified 13% of the population gets more than 13% of the votes? How so?
Good for you. Even after paying protection money to the local cartel, I imagine you still have enough 401K American dollars left over to hire three servants.
As for Americans becoming a joke, isn’t that the whole point of Glenn’s blog?
Anyway, enjoy “just being equal” on the other side of Trump’s wall. Knock yourself out.
Your right on the percentages as emotion has trumped (pun intended) intelligence. As a National joke, The wall is to keep others out not us in.
Penetrating….keep ’em coming! So love the subtle language….keep the lead in your pencil! P
A snappy summation of the march of folly. Now for some forecasts for 2021:
1. There will be a Trump resurgency, starting on January 6 and entailing at least one Supreme Court ruling that absolutely no one expected from the Roberts Court;
2. The four Minneapolis police officers implicated in the death of the gentle giant (why is it always a gentle giant?) will be acquitted, thanks to “The Covid Defense,” and all those white liberals I saw on the streets of Aspen writhing around chanting “I can’t breathe” will have moved on to another outrage;
3. Some one dozen Democrat governors and mayors will be tarred and feathered and run out of town on a rail, marking the first time this kind of thing has happened since The Whiskey Rebellion;
4. Portland and Seattle will rejoin The Union;
5. Kauai will allow me to land on its shores without having first to go to the leper colony at Kalaupapa . . . .
OK, OK. If, as Plato asserted, hope is a thing with feathers, I’m looking for some damned feathers.
Your response to God’s ears! P
Maui…Maui nō ka ‘oi,