Pfizer has sold $25 billion worth of Viagra and now they’ve raised the bar even higher. To keep their Viagra customers happy, healthy and horny, they invented a vaccine against COVID.
The FDA approved the vaccine for emergency use this month, years after approving Viagra for “emergency” use (isn’t all use of Viagra an emergency?). Viagra will of course retain its preeminence in the company, and so the vaccine will likely become known as “Pfizer’s Other Drug.”
Some say this medicine comes too soon, that it needs more testing, more time to get acquainted, more foreplay, more cuddling. I say baloney. Viagra comes not a moment too soon. Same with Pfizer’s Other Drug. If only they had come at the same time.
It was indeed a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am kind of year. It’s with proper social distancing, mind you, which can cramp one’s style among other things and attenuate both the whams and the bams. But in sex, Americans and all other people are resourceful.
Sadly, however, there appears not to be the pregnancy surge we often see after a city blackout. Although sperm are ingenious in navigating their way through the kind of person who identifies as a woman because she is one, they cannot navigate across a room or through a Zoom teleconference lens.
The Zoom lens can transmit video, however, as one former news reporter (at this point in media incompetence and bias, aren’t they all former ones?) learned to his dismay and the dismay of his, um, viewing audience.
The year started off innocently enough. The stock market was good, which diminished the need for Viagra, but then it all went to hell. Either Chinese peasants ate virus-infected bat soup (why?) that made them all batshit viral, or inscrutable Chinese spies created a viral monster that they accidentally or deliberately let loose on the world (why?).
I say it was the bats, just because the Chinese couldn’t have created the virus themselves without one to copy.
But COVID is now so April. Apart from the fact that daily deaths are at an all-time high, the whole thing is practically behind us. Even the stock market rebounded and then re-boomed once they culled out the clever market timers who bought in January and sold in March. The market will continue to boom right up until the moment the money printing presses wear out, at which time the clever market timers will get back in.
There was an election. Every two years Republicans go to the polls to vote, and every four years the Democrats go to the polls to steal. This was a four-year one. President Trump said his usual stupid things but lost anyway according to voting machines from Venezuela operated by Democrats from Venezuela who openly espouse voting fraud to turn us into Venezuela. Because social justice.
The good news is that now all the news will be good, even if events are not. OrangeManBad is going away, so the media will announce that the virus and everything else bad went away with him. As for the media’s reaction to the very big and bad bear that will stalk, attack, kill, eat, burp, regurgitate and defecate the stock market once the printing presses wear out – Look! A squirrel!
OrangeManBad’s replacement, the guy known as the bad half of “Dr” and Mr. Jill Biden, will without his knowledge be relocated to a basement in Brookdale where he’ll spend his remaining days continuing to make nonsensical noises. The other bad half will refuse to be his caretaker because her typo-laden “doctorate” thesis, “Student Retention at the Community College: Meeting Students’ Needs” is a bedpan, not a guide in how to change one.
OrangeManBad’s replacement’s replacement, a clever and gymnastic woman known for climbing the political ladder on her knees, will not appoint “Dr” Jill to be Surgeon General despite Whoopie Goldberg’s enthusiasm for “Dr” Jill’s medical skills.
Just to taunt us, the year 2020 was a leap year. As if 365 days of it were not enough.
Wokesters got extra-woke this year when a fentanyl-high “gentle giant” who happened to be a five-time convicted felon who served time for armed robbery, trespassing, cocaine theft and pointing a gun at a pregnant woman’s belly while robbing her house, died in police custody.
A video seemed to show that the police killed him by strangling him on the pavement under a cop’s knee. But the autopsy discovered that he had COVID. The COVID death-counting rules say he therefore died of COVID.
Unconvinced, mostly peaceful protesters looted, burned, assaulted and killed. Some of these Democrats took over parts of Portland and Seattle and purported to secede from the union, just as they did in 1860.
Because they were on the right side of the arc of history – they were Democrats, after all – they got a free pass. Even their failure to wear masks in the course of their looting, burning, assaulting and killing was excused, because they weren’t doing anything morally wrong like attending church to pray to something other than Big Government.
Yes, we survived — with the swagger and stagger of a punch-drunk, fentanyl-high, basement-dwelling, Viagra-ingesting, COVID-dodging, pants-down, Zoom-using old “doctor.”
So my question to the year 2020 is this: Is that all ya’ got?