I sometimes forget to zip up after using the bathroom. Thankfully, I don’t have to take my pants off in the bathroom because, if I did, I’m sure I would sometimes forget to put them back on. I would lose pants and party invitations the way I used to lose umbrellas and girlfriends.

In my prime, I occasionally beat the chess computer. Those days are gone. Nowadays, I’m lucky if I can find the goddam chess computer.

My fast ball? It left so fast it left my head spinning.

I’ve lost my keys so many times that I bought a gizmo to put on my keychain so that I can use my phone to make the keychain ring. Now if only I could find my phone. Soon I’ll be trying to start the car with my phone and trying to telephone people with my keys.

Mea culpa. I admit it. I stipulate to it. I confess. I do not have the mental capacity or physical strength to be president of these United States.

We’re on the brink of nominating for president two men older than I, who are even less physically and mentally fit for that job.

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