Tag Archives: climate change

They’re coming for your houseplants

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First, they came for the gas stoves,

And I did not speak out

Because mine is electric.

Then they came for the dishwashers,

And I did not speak out

Because I use paper plates.

Then they came for the furnaces,

And I did not speak out

Because I keep the heat at 60.

Then they came for the houseplants,

And I did not speak out

Because I’m not a houseplant.*

Even though I’m not one, some of my best and oldest friends are. I have a jade plant that is a cutting of a cutting of a cutting of a cutting of a cutting that I bought as a sophomore in college over ten years ago. I have an eight-foot cactus that looks like it came right out of the Jurassic Age. I bought it many years ago for a six-figure sum. Fortunately, the seller of that houseplant threw in a house to sweeten the deal.

I was therefore distressed to see an article in the “news” paper owned by Jeff Bozo warning us that houseplants contribute to global warming. I wondered how that was possible, since plants don’t spew carbon; they instead absorb it, and spew oxygen.

This “reporter” admits that houseplants, like all plants, do absorb a bit of carbon. But he says the amount they absorb is very small, given that they themselves are relatively small. OK, I’ll give him that.

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Let’s shoot the groundhog, warm the planet and eradicate winter

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A verminous, potentially rabid rodent in Pennsylvania crawled out of his hole in the ground this week, saw his shadow and, according to the local vermin whisperers, gloated that he’s entitled to another six weeks of dreamy winter sleep. Everyone clapped.

I say shoot him.

I have to admit that this creature’s cryptic weather forecasts are more accurate than those of a British climatologist who predicted 22 years ago that snow would become extinct in Britain within a few years. He was dramatically wrong.

Of course, a few datapoints – that there have been some harsh winters recently and Punxsutawney Phil forecasts another one this year – do not disprove the phenomenon of global warming. If you want to analyze by anecdote, consider that winters in Colorado over the course of my lifetime have become a bit milder.

In any event, even though the British climatologist is a woke, needle-dick, politically correct, attention-seeking alarmist and a British one to boot, and one that I’d really like to, I wish he had been right.

It’s blasphemy to the pagan climateers but – and so – I’ll say it: To hell with snow. 

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