First, they came for the gas stoves,

And I did not speak out

Because mine is electric.

Then they came for the dishwashers,

And I did not speak out

Because I use paper plates.

Then they came for the furnaces,

And I did not speak out

Because I keep the heat at 60.

Then they came for the houseplants,

And I did not speak out

Because I’m not a houseplant.*

Even though I’m not one, some of my best and oldest friends are. I have a jade plant that is a cutting of a cutting of a cutting of a cutting of a cutting that I bought as a sophomore in college over ten years ago. I have an eight-foot cactus that looks like it came right out of the Jurassic Age. I bought it many years ago for a six-figure sum. Fortunately, the seller of that houseplant threw in a house to sweeten the deal.

I was therefore distressed to see an article in the “news” paper owned by Jeff Bozo warning us that houseplants contribute to global warming. I wondered how that was possible, since plants don’t spew carbon; they instead absorb it, and spew oxygen.

This “reporter” admits that houseplants, like all plants, do absorb a bit of carbon. But he says the amount they absorb is very small, given that they themselves are relatively small. OK, I’ll give him that.

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