Which of these people is a different species?

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Are Neanderthals us?

A guy named Joachim Neander lived in a German valley about 400 years ago. He was a bigwig in the valley, and it came to be called “Neander’s Valley” or, in German, “Neanderhohle.” The name evolved with the language, and it morphed into “Neandertal” or “Neanderthal.” (Pseudo-linguists still debate which is right.)

In a weird coincidence, the Neanderthal Valley is where they first discovered fossilized remains of an ancient human called “Neanderthal.” (What are the odds of that?)

The fossils suggested that this particular Neanderthal was no ordinary human. He/she/they/it was very sturdy. The people who found him decided he was brute, in a bad way. He became the prototypical caveman.

Never mind that caves were the best homes available at the time this Neanderthal lived – certainly better than a sidewalk tent.

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Tyrannical trannies fall out of fashion

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An entertainer named Dylan Mulvaney decided a couple of years ago that he would be more entertaining if he “identified” as a woman.

Not to the point that he had his penis removed, mind you. But just enough to prance around in women’s clothing and adopt a farcical falsetto voice and hang out in women’s restrooms.

So, what he really “identifies” as, is a man with a penis – not to mention billions of Y chromosomes – who likes to prance around in women’s clothing with a farcical falsetto voice and hang out in women’s restrooms.

This rehashed drag show made Mully many millions.

But Mully’s fan base doesn’t include the executive suites of Anheuser Busch. In the marketing boner of the century, some clueless wokester marketing maven in their New York office made Mully the spokes-whatever for their flagship beer, Bud Light.

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Excusing atrocities by Palestinians because they have dark skin is wrong and racist

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Everyone has read the reports by now. On Oct. 7, Palestinian terrorists in Gaza called Hamas launched a surprise invasion of Israel. They shot, tortured, raped, beheaded and abducted every Jew they could find. Most were women, children and babies.

Over 1,200 Jews died, and countless more were injured. It was a Jewish pogrom, right out of the Middle Ages. The perpetrators filmed their gruesome bloodbath and gleefully posted it on the internet.

Hamas also took about 200 hostages back to the underground tunnels of Gaza, where they’ve been using them as human shields, trading them for Hamas terrorists captured by Israel, and torturing them to death.

Outrage is the world’s rightful response to this sick and sadistic massacre.

But not everyone feels that way. Ordinary Palestinians don’t feel that way at all. Polls show that 70-80% of the Palestinians in Gaza support the massacre.

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Law is women’s work, and so is a lot more

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I don’t mean women are just as good as men at lawyering. I mean they’re better. Let me explain.

But first a story. I have a distant connection to recently deceased former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.

O’Connor grew up on an Arizona cattle ranch. Her home was nine miles from the nearest paved road and didn’t have running water or electricity until she was seven.

She was very smart. At age 16, she left the ranch and went to Stanford to earn a degree in Economics. In 1952, she graduated third in her class from Stanford Law School. (That was back when Stanford was still teaching law and law students were still expected to learn it.)

Along the way, four men asked O’Connor to marry them, including future Chief Justice William Rehnquist. (That was back when men asked women to marry them and women were expected to answer yes or no.) She turned down the first three, including Rehnquist, and married the fourth.

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We’re going extinct because guys like porn and pot more than they like women

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Americans are reproducing at a rate that is too low to replace themselves. At this rate, Americans will go extinct.

It’s like the situation in Italy where Catholics have become so adept at violating the Church’s prohibitions on birth control that they’ll be gone soon.

I figure the only way to save Italy for the Italians is for the Church to permit – nay, mandate – birth control. If there’s one thing Catholics have learned over 2,000 years, it’s that their highest spiritual calling is to disobey their infallible-ish Pope. Only if the shepherd requires birth control will his flock abandon the pill, the IUD, condoms, the rhythm method, abstinence, premature withdrawal, morning-after pills, and morning-after prayer.

They would reproduce like rabbits. They would rebirth the Romans, equipped with Ferraris rather than chariots.  

Back to America. Our only hope to avoid extinction due to our failure to be fruitful and multiply is to open the borders. Democrats have done just that. Not for the purpose of saving America, however, but raping her. But that’s another column.  

Today’s column examines the why. Why are Americans failing to procreate?

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Thank Joe Biden for pulling an egotistical Ruth Bader Ginsburg

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a Supreme Court Justice and a darling of the left. She was endearingly referred to as “Notorious RBG” for her strident opinions invariably siding with the Democrats on political issues.

But she grew old. She also grew feeble physically and, sadly, to some extent mentally as well. She started breaking Court tradition by giving television interviews, where she unfortunately spoke intemperately about political issues.

Shortly before the 2016 election, she told a reporter that Donald Trump was “a faker.”

And then she said something to the reporter that apparently came into her head at that moment because she really had an ego. She said Trump “says whatever comes into his head at the moment. He really has an ego.”

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What happened to male cheerleaders? And female ones?

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Back in my day, cheerleaders were hot and gorgeous, at least at the University of Colorado/Boulder where I watched them. They were the best-looking girls on campus, and that was saying a lot at the time in Boulder.

After I graduated and left Boulder, they were evidently unable to attract the same quality without me. In fact, they resorted to male cheerleaders.

There were sniggers that the male cheerleaders were probably a bit light-footed, if you know what I mean. That was before light-footedness, if you know what I mean, became the Next Big Thing.

But male cheerleaders mostly faded away over the years. We see few male cheerleaders now.

At that pseudo-scientific source called Wikipedia, they explain that male cheerleaders today are mostly confined to “stunts” with the female ones. By “stunts,” they’re referring to something beyond being a male cheerleader. They’re referring to throwing the females into the air, catching them, etc.

So, what happened to the male cheerleaders? Why did they go away? There are two possibilities.

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Joe can’t BS his way to a second term

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Joe Biden has always been considered not very bright and not very honest. Beyond that, he’s thin-skinned and hot-tempered according to White House staff. His ability to remember and his ability to think – never very good – are worsening. He’s spent 40% of his time in the White House not in the White House, but on vacation at the beach in Delaware.

He has a creepy thing for other people’s young daughters which an irate dad might someday react to in a way Joe doesn’t anticipate.   

As for his casual relationship with facts, he certainly lies on occasion, as when it comes to his family influence-peddling business, for example.

But his real forte is simple BS’ing.

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Deion Sanders and Taylor Swift get married, Nikola Jokic is bridesmaid

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Exclusive to The Aspen Beat:

Deion and Taylor got married. It was a low-key affair, by their standards. A few million of their closest friends.

Taylor’s bridesmaid was the indefatigable, impermeable, invaluable, impressive, Nikola Jokic, the best thing to come out of Serbia since that other Nikola whose name was unfortunately appropriated a century later for a vehicle that is self-driving and self-incinerating.  

After the wedding, the newlyweds rode off into the sunset in, you guessed it, a Tesla. They got as far as Ventura County before the juice gave out and the car caught fire.

OK, I made all that up. But I had you going, didn’t I? You clicked into this, and that’s the whole point of the carnival barker schtick that used to be called “journalism.”

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Hmm, a Christian conversion sans Christ or Jesus

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The news today is that a prominent and thoughtful Somalian-Dutch-American who left her Muslim faith in favor of atheism some years ago, has now left her atheist faith in favor of Christianity.

Welcome to my church, Ayaan Hirsi Ali. You can sit anywhere you’d like.

Ayaan published an essay explaining the reasons for her conversion. Her essay describes no epiphany, no encounter on a road to Damascus or anywhere else. Strikingly, neither “Christ” nor “Jesus” appear anywhere in her essay.

Instead, she explained that Christianity (and by implication the larger Judeo-Christian culture) is the only framework capable of building civilization as we know it, and protecting it against human depravity. It is our last – and really only – tool.

It’s our only defense against power-driven totalitarianism that inevitable degrades into violence, the kind we saw in the mass murder of 9/11 and again in the sadistic atrocities of 10/7.

Christianity is on the side of good. Ayaan wants to stand shoulder to shoulder with us, for good.

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