OK, gentlereaders, give me some help. In the comments, give me a column to go with these great David Allen Coe lyrics:

Well, I was drunk the day my mom got out of prison
And I went to pick her up in the rain
But before I could get to the station in my pickup truck
She got run over by a damned old train

The whole song is HERE in case that helps. The winner gets to buy me a pickup truck, a beer and a train. In the rain.